I haven’t been posting many celebrity interviews lately because the guy I’m married to was getting kind of jealous (he’s totally alpha-male like that). Every time I interviewed a sex symbol celeb, it would always end in an awkward situation at home. Try explaining to your spouse why the phone is ringing off the hook at all hours of the night and why it’s always some dude on the other end who’s bawling about his unrequited love and broken heart. Like I give a care. I don’t want to name names but the worst is a big time movie star who played a lead role in the movie Titanic. I had to get a restraining order. Seriously. As my Mother-in-law would say, “give your life a shake”…
My boss at CNN recently told me enough is enough, I need to get back to work. My first assignment: Prince William and Kate Middleton (gag). I said I wasn’t interested and she said I didn’t have much choice because it was “by Order of the Queen” or some shit. Since I don’t feel like getting beheaded, I agreed to the goddam job. Rest assured I loaded up on Gravol before I set foot inside Buckingham Palace. British people make me nauseous at the best of times (just kidding). I just don’t like British Royals.
b: Hi Prince William.
w: Greetings Ms.Graham
b: Oh please, call me Brooke.
w: Very well. Greetings Ms. Brooke.
b: (rolls eyes) Um, I thought I was interviewing both you and your fiance. Where is Kate?
w: (blushing) Ew, Catherine is in the loo.
b: (mumbles under breath) Gross.
w: (still blushing) T’is rather ghastly isn’t it?
b: (taking notes) Did you know she used the can before you got engaged?
w: No. I did not.
b: Oh boy, you’re likely in for a few more surprises!
w: (genuinely confused) Like wot?
b: If I told you I’d ruin the surprises. Okay, I don’t have much time to chat. Gravol only lasts so long, so let’s cut to the chase. Between you and me, has Kate met your Mom?
w: Do you mean my Step-Mum, Camiller? Or do you mean my Grandmum?
b: Don’t feed me the berries, William. You know what I mean. Has Kate met Diana?
w: (sweating) Dianer? Why she was kiwed years ago
b: (Narrows eyes and points pen at William) Okay, I’m not sure what the royal term for “horse shit” is, but that’s pure horse shit. You may be able to fool the rest of the world but not me. I’m Canadian and part Ukrainian. You don’t get much quicker than that, okay?
w: Whateva do you mean?
b: I have a theory about your Mummy.
w: By all means…tell me this “theory”.
b: I will. But do you mind if I tell you in a British accent? My theories sound better in a British accent.
w: Oh, git on with it then.
b: Jolly good. Afta Dianer’s divorce from Charles, she wonted ow (out) but she was the peepo’s princess. The media loved her. But wot did she love? Her chewdren, you and ‘arry Po’er. She also loved her non-profit work. She loved Dodi Fayed and reclusive anonymity. Thus, if she were to die, peepo would donate like mad to her charity, she’d be ow of the medier, she’d neva ‘ave to talk to Charles or the Queen again. So, fittingly, she faked her own deff!
w: (crying like a baby) Faked her own deff? How can you say that?
b: FAKED HER OWN DEFF! Just like that. You drop the ‘th’ sound and make an ‘f’ and it sounds British. Or Australian. I can’t tell the difference. -
w: (white as a sheet of paper)
b: I won’t reveal the details of her location. However, you and I both know she currently resides with her lover on a luxurious desert island where little people walk around with nacho chips and salsa on their sombreros – all. day. long.
w: (mouth gaping open)
b: Don’t look so surprised. She visits with you and ‘arry for weeks at a time. It’s a wonderful arrangement for all of you!
w: (searching for the words)…Mummy…er, Dianer thinks…Kate’s a Trollope.
b: Well now. There’s the pot calling the kettle black ‘eh?
w: (suddenly suspicious) Wait – how do you know about the little people with the sombreros?
b: If I had an all-access pass to Royal money and I was going to live out the rest of my days on a desert island with my delicious lover, I’d want little people with nachos in their sombreros there too. Long story short, I guessed.
w: D’you mean you didn’t actually know know Dianer faked her own deff?
b: Nah, it was just a solid guess. But thanks to you, now I know for sure! And so will my readership (which is basically me and my Mom).
w: Jimminy Crickets!
[Enter] Kate Middleton: Oh pardon my rudeness, I was indisposed! I haven’t missed the interview have I?
b: (disgusted look) Ohh my god what is that horrible smell?
w: (plugging his nose) (fanning his face) Bugga!
Kate Middleton: (knowing smile) (manly voice) There’s more where that came from Billy-boy!
b: (mumbles under breath) ….and you guys aren’t even married yet.