Category Archives: Celebrity Interviews

Dead Like Elvis

I haven’t been posting many celebrity interviews lately because the guy I’m married to was getting kind of jealous (he’s totally alpha-male like that). Every time I interviewed a sex symbol celeb, it would always end in an awkward situation at home. Try explaining to your spouse why the phone is ringing off the hook at all hours of the night and why it’s always some dude on the other end who’s bawling about his unrequited love and broken heart. Like I give a care. I don’t want to name names but the worst is a big time movie star who played a lead role in the movie Titanic. I had to get a restraining order. Seriously. As my Mother-in-law would say, “give your life a shake”…

My boss at CNN recently told me enough is enough, I need to get back to work. My first assignment: Prince William and Kate Middleton (gag). I said I wasn’t interested and she said I didn’t have much choice because it was “by Order of the Queen” or some shit. Since I don’t feel like getting beheaded, I agreed to the goddam job. Rest assured I loaded up on Gravol before I set foot inside Buckingham Palace. British people make me nauseous at the best of times (just kidding). I just don’t like British Royals.

b: Hi Prince William.
w: Greetings Ms.Graham
b: Oh please, call me Brooke.
w: Very well. Greetings Ms. Brooke.
b: (rolls eyes) Um, I thought I was interviewing both you and your fiance. Where is Kate?
w: (blushing) Ew, Catherine is in the loo.
b: (mumbles under breath) Gross.
w: (still blushing) T’is rather ghastly isn’t it?
b: (taking notes) Did you know she used the can before you got engaged?
w: No. I did not.
b: Oh boy, you’re likely in for a few more surprises!
w: (genuinely confused) Like wot?
b: If I told you I’d ruin the surprises. Okay, I don’t have much time to chat. Gravol only lasts so long, so let’s cut to the chase. Between you and me, has Kate met your Mom?
w: Do you mean my Step-Mum, Camiller? Or do you mean my Grandmum?
b: Don’t feed me the berries, William. You know what I mean. Has Kate met Diana?
w: (sweating) Dianer? Why she was kiwed years ago
b: (Narrows eyes and points pen at William) Okay, I’m not sure what the royal term for “horse shit” is, but that’s pure horse shit. You may be able to fool the rest of the world but not me. I’m Canadian and part Ukrainian. You don’t get much quicker than that, okay?
w: Whateva do you mean?
b: I have a theory about your Mummy.
w: By all means…tell me this “theory”.
b: I will. But do you mind if I tell you in a British accent? My theories sound better in a British accent.
w: Oh, git on with it then.
b: Jolly good. Afta Dianer’s divorce from Charles, she wonted ow (out) but she was the peepo’s princess. The media loved her. But wot did she love? Her chewdren, you and ‘arry Po’er. She also loved her non-profit work. She loved Dodi Fayed and reclusive anonymity. Thus, if she were to die, peepo would donate like mad to her charity, she’d be ow of the medier, she’d neva ‘ave to talk to Charles or the Queen again. So, fittingly, she faked her own deff!
w: (crying like a baby) Faked her own deff? How can you say that?
b: FAKED HER OWN DEFF! Just like that. You drop the ‘th’ sound and make an ‘f’ and it sounds British. Or Australian. I can’t tell the difference. -
w: (white as a sheet of paper)
b: I won’t reveal the details of her location. However, you and I both know she currently resides with her lover on a luxurious desert island where little people walk around with nacho chips and salsa on their sombreros – all. day. long.
w: (mouth gaping open)
b: Don’t look so surprised. She visits with you and ‘arry for weeks at a time. It’s a wonderful arrangement for all of you!
w: (searching for the words)…Mummy…er, Dianer thinks…Kate’s a Trollope.
b: Well now. There’s the pot calling the kettle black ‘eh?
w: (suddenly suspicious) Wait – how do you know about the little people with the sombreros?
b: If I had an all-access pass to Royal money and I was going to live out the rest of my days on a desert island with my delicious lover, I’d want little people with nachos in their sombreros there too. Long story short, I guessed.
w: D’you mean you didn’t actually know know Dianer faked her own deff?
b: Nah, it was just a solid guess. But thanks to you, now I know for sure! And so will my readership (which is basically me and my Mom).
w: Jimminy Crickets!
[Enter] Kate Middleton: Oh pardon my rudeness, I was indisposed! I haven’t missed the interview have I?
b: (disgusted look) Ohh my god what is that horrible smell?
w: (plugging his nose) (fanning his face) Bugga!
Kate Middleton: (knowing smile) (manly voice) There’s more where that came from Billy-boy!
b: (mumbles under breath) ….and you guys aren’t even married yet.

At Home With Sarah

I haven’t been doing a lot of freelance work for CNN lately because I’ve been busy doing other stuff like laundry. However, last week, apparently a phone call came in from Sarah Palin’s publicist saying her ratings were way down (surprise) and she’d like to have a personal interview with one of the reporters. Oddly enough, no one else at CNN wanted to talk with her so they offered it to me. Seeing as I’ve done far worse things for far less money, I took the interview. I was flown in a single engine airplane across the US-Canada border to where I met with holy-shit-can-you-believe-she-almost-became-Vice President, Sarah Palin, at her home in Alaska.

B: (greeted at front door by housekeeper, led into dusty-rose colored living room where SP is straightening out several doilies)

SP: (pretends to be caught off guard, like I happened into her home unexpectedly yet she’s pleasantly surprised) Oh. Oh my. Hey there, neighbor!

B: (awkward) Hey there, you. Um. Thanks for inviting me to your home, Ms.Palin.

SP: (silly scoff) MS.Palin? Please! That’s my Mother-in-law! Call me Sarah! Or at least MRS. Palin! A woman ain’t much unless she belongs to a man! I mean, I may be front and center in the media, but at home, Todd’s the one who wears the pants! Not me!

B: (looks at SP’s pants)(gently points)

SP: (smiling) … (still smiling)

B: Um. (notices strange scent in the air) If you don’t mind me asking, what sort of perfume are you wearing?

SP: Ohh, you like it? (offers wrist for me to smell) It’s just a little something my Mama taught me. Pelts and meat. I just dab a little behind my ears and on my wrists and I’m ready to go! (pats chair) (sits down)

B: (sits down) I may have mis-heard you. Did you say “pelts and meat”?

SP: (laughs) Between you and me, it’s a man magnet! Eeeeeow! (slaps me on the arm)(laughs hysterically)

B: (about to ask question, decides to remain silent)

SP: (still laughing)(becomes quiet, suddenly looks concerned) Where are my manners? I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing! I mean, health wise, of course.

B: Um, I’m well… (interrupted by SP)

SP: (places hand on my knee) You don’t have to pretend. I know where you’re from. What’s the life expectancy in Canada anyway? 14, 15 years old?

B: Fourteen or fifteen, if you’re lucky.
SP: (gives me “told ya so” look) I’ve been saying it for years, “you make your bed in Canada, you’re gonna wake up dead”!

B: (about to ask question, decides to remain silent)

SP: Would you like some coffee?

B: Sure, thanks.

SP: (hollers over shoulder at housekeeper) Rosalita! Doz Calf par farvar!

Rosalita: (carrying tray with antique china and a carafe of coffee)

SO: (angry) Rosalita! What part of “STYROFOAM ONLY! don’t you understand?”

Rosalita: (exits room apologizing)

SP: (shaking head) We’re trying to make some changes around here. Some of them catch on quicker than others (mumbles something like “chewpit wexican” but I can’t be sure)

B: You use styrofoam instead of glassware?

SP: Oh yes.

B: Um.

SP: (knowing smile) The truth will come out soon enough. You see, I’m working very hard with a team of advanced researchers to expose the lies pertepulated by Radical Environmentalists.

B: Sounds interesting. Can you give me an example?

SP: (leans in close. now I can really smell the meat. nope, it’s the pelts) I’m not sure if you have computers or television in Canada, however, National-wide news is reporting a terrible accident involving off-shore oil drilling in the Guelph of Mexicasa. A lot of good people are being blamed for this accident. I have documental, first-handed information proving it is not the fault of the hard-working CEO’s, who, by the way, are out risking their lives just trying to bring oil to this good country of ours! Constintuently, if it weren’t for Environmentalists, there wouldn’t be so many restricted areas! I mean, they’ve made it darn near impossible for our boys to find good places to drill! What else are we supposed to do? Create an electric car? Heat our homes with some sort of “mystery fuel” from the sun?

B: Um.

SP:  Pfft. One thing I know for sure is that whacked-off Environmentalists just want to make it harder for Americans to feed our families.

B: (about to ask question, decides to remain silent)

SP: (on a rant) Oh, you betcha. If those air-lovin’ freaks keep interfering with the procedures involved in off-shore oil drilling and God-forbid they somehow succeed in limiting America’s access to oil, you can’t imagine the devastation! There won’t be any way to cook french fries! Never mind the effects on the careers of body builders!

B: I never thought of that.

SP: (jumps up from chair, claps hands) Hey! Wanna see my new line of hairspray?

B: You have your own line of hairspray?

SP: Heck Yes! (slaps me on the arm) My secret ingredient: CFC’s!

B: Woah, CFC’s cause irreparable damage to the ozone layer…

SP: Look. If Jesus didn’t want us to have hairspray we would’ve been born bald.

B: (about to ask a question, decides to remain silent)

SP: (back-combing bangs, spraying hair)

B: (coughing) If you don’t mind answering one more question for me, we can wrap up the interview. It’s been brought to my attention that you recently had a message for Environmentalists regarding the BP Oil spill in the Gulf.

SP: If you mean the Guelph, then yes (mumbles something like “chewpit cranadian” but I can’t be sure).

B: Can you paraphrase the message you wanted to get across?

SP: You betcha. (looks into tape-recorder like it’s a camera) Environmentalists, listen up: Americans are on to you. The oil spill in the Guelph is your fault and you should feel terrible. PS. Buy my hairspray so you can at least look good when you’re muckin around out there tryin to clean up that big mess you made.

Sexiest Woman Alive

As you may know, I recently returned from a trip to Yellowknife, NWT. When CNN called this week to say they had an interview for me, I told the Producers that I didn’t feel like taking off again because well, I basically just got home. I asked them if it would it be all right to conduct whatever interview they had for me over the phone. They said it was “totally cool” — actually, they said “If there’s anything else you want, anything at all, just let us know.” But they tell me that same thing every single time I talk to them and I get kinda sick of saying the same thing back so this time I decided to change it up.

Instead of saying “thanks” or “whatever” like I always do, I made a couple clicking sounds with the side of my mouth (click, click) and even though they couldn’t see me I could see me (I was standing near a mirror in the hallway) I looked at my reflection and made the ol’ pointing-at-ya-with-the-guns thing. Know what I mean? You make each of your hands into a gun and then make the clicking sound with our mouth at the same time? (click, click) (guns) Yeah, you know what I mean. It’s a pretty awesome thing to do when you wanna make an impression or when you just wanna say “gotcha” in a really cool way.

Okay, on with the interview….

B: (bored) Hi Megan Fox.

MF: (blubbering) oh, hey…(whimpers, sniffles again)

B: (sorta irritated) Oh my god, are you crying?

MF: (sniffles) nooo, I just had something…caught in my throat.

B: (too loud) Bah, I bet you did! (whispers “nice one” and points to self in mirror)

MF: (sniffles) I’m sorry, it’s just sort of bad time right now. I just found out some really bad news (sniffles again) (snorts)

B: Um, those sounds you’re making are kinda terrible. I can hold the line if you want to get a kleenex or a towel or something.

MF: No, I’ll be fine. Thanks though.

b: (whispers) Sick.

MF: (sniffles) Sorry, I missed that. Did you say something?

B: Nah, I didn’t say anything (pauses) How about we get down to business! You became known as Hollywood’s sexiest actress after some “motor oil scene” in Transformers…

MF: (bursts out crying) (dramatic wailing)

B: (uncomfortable) Okay. Oh god. That seriously can’t be necessary.

MF: (sniffles) Just give me a second…

B: (rolls eyes) -waiting-  (sticking out tongue, tries to reach elbow)

MF: (sniffles) (pouty baby voice) Okay, I’m back. I guess it’s just so hard for me to accept…that someone has taken my place…….as…as the sexiest woman alive….I can’t believe it!

B: Oh c’man, ya must’ve seen that one coming! It’s Hollywood! Everyone knows that the industry puts a lot of pressure on women to look younger especially as they begin “aging”, y’know?

MF: (sniffles) (snorts) I know, but…

B: Megan, how old are you now? Twenty-five, twenty-six?

MF: I’m Twenty-three.

B: Yep. That’s getting old. My little girl is five. You’re like eighteen years older than her.

MF: (silent) I…don’t understand.

B: It’s hard to comprehend complicated things as your brain starts to age. You see, your brain is sort of like a muscle, the more you work it out the stronger it becomes but as you get older…

MF: (sniffles) Wait —  The woman who took my place as “sexiest woman alive” is way older than me!

B: Oh yeah? Who is it? Jessica Tandy?

MF: No (sniffles)…that actress from The Queen.

B: Freddie Mercury? (smiling)

MF: Nooooo, The Queen, QUEEN!

B: Um yeah, I know Queen. I’ve only been a fan since I was like, two months old (smiling to self for being a smart ass) I mean, just because Freddie Mercury isn’t around anymore doesn’t mean…(interrupted by Megan Fox)

MF: Neeeeew (she’s saying “no”) You’ve got it all wrong! The movie “The Queen”! Her name is Helen Mirren! She’s like, seventy years old or something!

B: Helen Mirren? Oh yeah, I know who she is. Is she seriously seventy? (note: Helen Mirren is in her early sixties) Ooh that is quite old.

MF: Exactly (pronounced “zaclay!”) Now do you understand why this is so hard for me?

B: (takes a second to consider things) (smirks) Um sure, I understand. You lost to a seventy year old…….you must be really gross.

I was gonna make a joke about how Megan Fox should relax because after all, we’re talking about the sexiest woman alive and considering Helen Mirren’s age….well, I don’t know what the life expectancy in Britain is but I’m guessing she’ll only be around for the next thirty years, so if Megan Fox keeps up with the cosmetic surgeries she’ll have another chance at the title eventually — like I said, I was gonna make that joke but it seemed really classless and I leave that sort of ill-humor to other freelance reporters. Another reason I wouldn’t say anything rude about Helen Mirren is because I happen to really like Helen Mirren and if I was a dude I’d totally do her before I’d ever wanna do Megan Fox. That’s what these votes are based on, right? I mean, they say “sexiest” but what they’re really saying is “who would you do?” ….

(click, click) (guns)

Seal The Deal

(CNN)- When it comes to controversy in Canada, few issues stand out more on a global scale than the annual seal hunt. CNN sent me to sit down with an animal rights activist to discuss the hunt. The actress/activist also had some breaking news of her own to share….

B: Hi Pamela Anderson. It’s nice to meet you.

P: Please, call me Pam. (shaking hands)(quite a grip)(yowza)

B: So, you have some big news to announce?

P: I do! I’m very excited to let everyone know that I’m going to be a contestant on the popular TV series “Dancing With The Stars”!

B: Oh wow! That’s so awesome! GREAT NEWS!!! I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Um, regretfully, I don’t watch a lot of TV so I’ve never heard of it. Please explain, what is the show about?

P: It’s basically um, stars…like myself…dancing….with other stars.

B: Ooooh, that sounds “special”!

P: Why did you do that?

B: Do what?

P: That thing with your fingers, the quotation thing. When you said special, you did that quotation thing with your fingers.

B: Oh that. I do that once in a while because I worry about getting sued for copyright infringement. Y’know, like using people’s names or saying words I don’t have permission to use.

P: (frowning at me)

B: (frowning right back)

(I’ve never lost a frowning contest and wasn’t about to start now)(I don’t even care if my whole career is on the line) Luckily…

P: I’m also here to talk about my work with PETA.

B: (total exasperation) (throws a few papers on the ground for dramatic effect) Ohh for gods sakes! What is it with the fake British accent? Like, I’m so sure the “R” sound is gonna ruin your reputation.

P: I’m not faking an accent!

B: You just said “Peta”! Peta, Peta. Just like that! It’s “Peter” (for Peter’s sake).

P: No, no…PETA. P.E.T.A It’s an acronym. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

B: Ohh PETA. Right. I guess I just never thought….jeez, I’m sorry about that. My mistake [note: leave this part out of the interview]

P: So I’m working closely with PETA. I mean, I’ve always been really passionate about animals.

B: (presented with wide-open opportunity to make a Tommy Lee joke) (just gonna let it slide) Tell us about your passion for animals.

P: Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always had a really HUGE — (interrupted by me)

B: — HUGE what? (raises eyebrows)(stares into camera)

P: I’ve always had a huge heart for animals. Plus, I’m Canadian so I…

B: Wait– you’re Canadian?

P: Yes.

B: (slaps forehead) I thought you looked familiar! I’m from Canada too.  We’ve probably run into each other at the mall. Go on, you were saying?

P: There are hundreds of thousands of people strongly opposed to the annual massacre of Harp seals in Canada.

B: People are Massacring Harp Seals? (whispers) Is it the Americans? You can tell me if it is. Is it the Americans coming over from America and doing this to our seals? Do our seals have weapons of mass destruction?

P: No, it’s not Americans. It’s mainly Canadian Hunters who either do it for sport or to make a profit from the seal skins. The massacre mainly occurs on the East coast of Canada and in some smaller Northern Communities.

B: Northern — like North West Territories?

P: It’s not as much of a problem out there but yes, seal slaughters do take place in the Territories.

B: I’m going to Yellowknife next week! Do you want me to tell them to cut it out?

P: Yes, yes please.

B: Okay! (jumps up) (waiting for a high-five)

P: (jumps up) (high-fives)

B: Should I dress like a seal?

P: Why would you dress like a seal?

B: (Stealthily crouches onto ground) Sort of like setting the bait, y’know? I thought it might be a good idea to dress up like a seal so when someone comes up to try to slaughter me I’ll be like “CLUB THIS MUTHERFUCKER!”(demonstrating freestyle-kung-fu moves with street-fight sound effects)

P: (mesmerized)

B: (out-of-breath) I guess I got a little carried away! Woah, now I’m tired! Mind you, I ate a big seal at lunch and you know how that can make a person feel a little sleepy ‘eh?

P: (angry) What????? You ate seal???

B: No! NO! Nooooooo. I said, MMMMM MEAL! I ate a big meal (rubs belly)

P: Oh. Okay then. I thought you said seal.

B: (happy and smiling) Hey, do you wanna arm wrestle?

P: Sure.

B: Okay, but before we do I just need to ask if you’re gonna have any special dance moves when you perform on Dancing With The Stars?

P: Well, I probably shouldn’t say — ah hell , why not. My signature move is called the tango-oooo-ahead-and-motorboat-me.

B: (disgusted) God, you’re really sick.

P: You are.

B: (lifts papers to chest) (flips Pam the middle-finger behind papers)

P: (puts elbow on table ready to arm wrestle)

B: (puts elbow on table) (joins hands with Pam)

P: READY! SET! GO! (sounds of enormous effort flow through gritted teeth) (I could’ve said “grunt” but that sounds kinda gross ya’know?)


P: WHERE!?!?!?! WHAAAAT!?!?!

B: BAM! (wins match) (stands up and raises both hands over head like a champ) I don’t wanna harp on it, Pam — but that wasn’t much of a contest.

P: (hands on hips) Best of three?

B: (smirks) Nah, I think one seals the deal. (high-five’s self for being a smart ass)

That's me in the seal suit I quickly sewed after the interview. Seal Hunters Beware! Next time you approach a seal you just may find it's actually a crazy Ukrainian ready and ar-ar-armed (okay, that was a brutal joke). Um, SAVE THE SEALS!

A Vajazzling Interview

(CNN)- Most of you know I do a little freelance reporting for CNN. Whatever portion of the interview they don’t use in their news casts, I’m allowed to post on my blog. I recently sat down with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

B: Hi Jennifer Love Hewitt. It’s me, Brooke.

JLH: (leaps up and hugs me) Oh my god! Hugs! It’s so nice to meet yoooooooou! I’ve never met a real Canadian before!

B: Wait — aren’t you best friends with Alanis Morissette?

JLH: (smiling) (staring at me) (she didn’t hear a word I said. I think her smiling and squinting has compromised her eardrums. It must require a lot of inner focus to smile so big and squint so small for such a long duration. Pretty sure I could say anything right now and she wouldn’t hear it).

B: (lowers voice) you…have… the….hugest…. boobs.

JLH: (still staring at me) (her smile turns into sucked in cheeks and big pouty trout lips) (clearly, didn’t hear a word).

B: (fake coughs) Okay Jennifer, let’s get started. Tell me, are those your real boobs?…I mean, eyelashes?

JLH: (smiling and blinking like a maniac) What do you mean?

B: Well, I mean, are they natural or do you apply them with adhesive?

JLH: Adhes-what did you say? Ohh, is that a Canadian word?

B: No, nope. I was just wondering about your eyelashes. Do you glue them on?

JLH: (squinting, clapping and laughing)

B: (smiles) I’m sorry. Did I say something funny?

JLH: (mimicking me) “ABOOT“. “ABOOT“.

B: (shocked expression)

B: (raises eyebrows) (sorts through papers) All right. So you recently wrote your own book titled The Day I Shot Cupid. It’s about your experiences with relationships and dating, right?

JLH: (smiling) (faintly humming Yellow Submarine by The Beatles)

B: In your book you talk about how after one of your break ups a friend of yours came over to your house to comfort you.

JLH: Oh. my. god. I was sooo super depressed. Like, you wouldn’t even believe it. I was dev. a. sta. ted.  I just kept playing the song “bad day” by daniel powter over and over because it was such. a. totally. bad. day! But then my friend came over and we started talking about make-up and stuff. Then I started smiling because smiling is my favorite and then she was like, “oh my god, I have all these  swarovski crystals!” And I was like, “I have a ton of glue left over from my falsies!” And at the very same time we both said, “Let’s decorate our vajayjays!!!” (smiling) (clapping) It’s so cute! You have to see!

B: Noooo, no. Please sit down. I do not want to see…

JLH: (stands up on chair) PREPARE TO BE VAJAZZLED!!!! (flips skirt up over head).

B: Oh god (barfs)

JLH:  (still smiling) OH NO! Did you barf? That’s like the tenth time that’s happened to me!

B: Okay, so…this isn’t just a “me and my friend got drunk and we glued jewelry to our (**beep**)…You want this to become a trend? Like, you’re suggesting everyone glue jewelry to their (**beep**)?

JLH: (blinking like a maniac) (confused) I’ve never heard it called that before! When you say (**beep**) you mean vajayjay, right?

B: Yeah. That’s what we call it in Canada.

JLH: (smiling) (tilting head from side to side) repeating (**beep**) over and over…

B: Okay, I’m feeling a little nauseous again. Lets talk about something else. You play Melinda Gordon on the television show “The Ghost Whisperer“. Kinda seems like the title is a rip-off from the book/movie The Horse Whisperer

JLH: (smiling) (throws hair back and laughs) I talk to “Ghosts”, NOT HORSES! But it’s not a bad idea…I guess I could mention it to my Producers. It might be kinda neat to help cross-over a horse. Canadians love horses, huh?

B: I guess. The horse is one of the National Symbols of Canada.

JLH: (smiling) (squinting) I thought you guys were like, all about beavers?

B: Yeah, well, I think you’re all about beavers.

This one is the Pitts

Okay guys, some interviews are better than others. I was a little nervous about this one. Remember, I’m new to this.

B: Hi Brad Pitt.

BP: Hey, nice to meet you.

B: It’s not everyday you get to interview one of the sexiest people on Earth.

BP: Aw, I’m just a regular guy.

B: Silly Brad Pitt. Can I sit on your knee?

BP: (laughs)

B: (expressionless)

BP: (laughs uncomfortably)

B: (expressionless) (stands up and walks over to Pitt) (sits on knee)

BP: (surprised expression) (clears throat)

B: That’s better. You know what’s kinda funny? I mean, I know you’re the”sexiest guy in Hollywood” or whatever, but I’ve always had this theory about you….

BP: Oh yeah?

B: Well like, no offense or anything, I’ve just always thought that in person, you’d probably have a little um, “BO”.

BP: Excuse me?

B: (stroking Pitt’s hair) Y’know, body odor.

BP: What?

B: Don’t worry it’s not a bad thing. Some women dig body odor. I’m sureAngie loves it (loves it).

BP: (sniffs armpit) Huh, I guess you’re right.

B: A little ripe under there, ‘eh?

BP: Wow, how could you know that? We’ve never even met before.

B: I have a psychic-vibe…it can smell. (Shows Pitt  inside of her nose)

BP: Hey, can I bounce you up and down on my knee while we finish the interview? I kinda miss my kids.

B: I guess. (bouncing) how. many. kids. do. you. guys. have. now. anyway?

BP: Angie and I are actually only photographed with twelve of our kids. We haven’t told anyone this yet, but we recently purchased a small archipelago off the coast of Costa Rica. We intend to populate the islands with hundreds of children and train them to become sexy people of the future.

B: So, you and Angie will be King and Queen or your own sexy nation?

BP: We prefer “Mommy and Daddy” of our own sexy nation.

B: How will you parent so many young children?

BP: We’re sexy, Brooke. Sexy people can do anything.

B: Okay, can you stop bouncing me now?

BP: I’d rather not.

B: Woah look over there! I think I just saw a cute little kid who appeared to be of apparent ethnic minority! It looked like he didn’t have any parents…

BP: (stands up) WHERE? WHERE?

B: (falls onto floor) (high fives herself) (crawls away from Brad Pitt) (whispers under breath) sure is sexy….for a sucker!

this is a photo of me, brad and angie before the interview. i look kinda tired.

Axl Rose: German Olympian?

Rock music icon Axl Rose seems to be trying out a new kind of rock. Posing as the veteran Skip for Germany’s Olympic Women’s Curling Team, Axl Rose, alias: Andrea Schoepp, seems to be fooling everyone except me, CNN Freelance Reporter, Brooke Graham.

Besides plastic surgery to the face nearly a decade ago, Rose’s  efforts to conceal his male identity appear to be quite minimal. He is wearing The Team Germany Uniform along with the rest of his female teammates but as you can see in the photos provided, there is very little room for case of mistaken identity here. Plus, I heard him yell to a member of the opposing team “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die!” That’s totally what he said, like right after he played whoever they played in Curling today. So, yeah.